It's been several months since I've updated this thing.  I kind of wish I had.  This was the closest thing I've ever had to a journal.  It was a way for me to look back and see the person that I was and have now felt that I've forgotten. 

This is my last year at OCU and graduation day will be here before I know it.  I know that one thing that makes life exciting is not knowing what's around the corner, but I wish that there was a way to get around this. 

I've been burned out from wishing things were different in my life.  I wish I could be happy in the now instead of dwelling on the past and the future.  People tell me not to worry about things, but time and time again I end up in positions to where if I don't then no one will; and then things seem to really get bad when I join them. 

I don't think anyone reads these things anymore so I can probably write whatever the hell I want.  I feel alone, even when I'm around my closest friends and family.  I don't think a girlfriend would help either, I think the expectation of them leaving me would keep me from being happy with them.  The non-stop rejection in this area of my life since high school has taken it's toll on me.  I don't even want to bother anymore but then I find myself trying again.  At this point I think I do it because I'm trying to find out what these girls see wrong with me.  Why can I never meet a stranger and look in a mirror and see nothing wrong with me yet be rejected as much as I am. Fuck it, anytime something good happens to me it's followed by something shitty.  If a girl were to want me something else in my life of equal awesomeness would fail on me.  I'm tired of praying for things to get better only to have them not.  I pray to be happy but I haven't been since I was 10 years old.  12 years of feeling like shit gets to you.  I hope something fucking awesome comes out of all of this misery, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

It was my youngest brother Justin's birthday today.  It was the happiest I'd seen him since he was four.  When he was younger he was one of the sweetest and nicest kids you'd ever know, but now the poor guy is more bitter than I am; I wish I knew why.  I get teary eyed anytime I think about it.

These last few days I've been reminded of how much talent the students at this school have.  It feels unreal to me when I think about it. The artistic talent is so diverse here, I think that is the one thing that our school has that those conservatories and institutes that focus on one form of art don't have.  USC, New York Film Institute, and AFI may be the top three film schools but they don't have the musicians, Artists who paint, and Actors that OCU has.  This is the thing that I love the most about film, it's a melting pot for all forms of art.  And it doesn't stop there, science and business people can fit in just fine too.  The one other thing that can bring all of these people together is that none of them seem to stay married for too long.

I don't know why but it really bugs the ever living crap out of me when I see a movie on IMDB that's been out for two days and it ends up on the top 250 movies of all time.  I try not to be a movie snob but something like this just bugs me.  I'm sure that Ratatouille, Juno, and Sweeney Todd are good movies, especially since credible people have told me so, and I would like to see them, but really?  Do people think that these films have changed the face of cinema to the point that they beat out films like The Deer Hunter and All Quiet on the Western Front?  I guess what's really irritatating me is how so many truly great films are forgotten because they don't have that feel that modern audiences look for when they go to the movie theatres.  Yeah that's right, I still spell theatre with an RE at the end, I don't care what the dean of the theatre department says.

Break was so relaxing.  It felt good to not have anything that needs done, or depending on incompetent people to do things for you. I do feel kind of bad for not calling up anyone from high school, but I just didn't feel like doing anything.  I barely even left my house.  I'm usually bored out of my mind by the time Christmas break is over but not this year.

I wish that I could play/write music and draw to an extent that it would rival my knowledge of movies.  I guess we can't be good at everything, but I wish that I was amazing at all three.

My car is still broken down.  With the exception of the wiring to my breaklights and turn signals going out from that huge flood that totalled a car next to mine, I haven't had any problems from her in over a year.  That's a record for Lawanda, that's her name.  I think that the carburetor is going to need some serious work, but hopefully I'm wrong.  People give me shit about the reliability of my car all of the time, but the way I look at it is that I would rather have to fix something every once in a while for a car that's survived a flood, massive fire, and could put a dent in a train if they wrecked then to make payments on a new plastic car that decreases in value by 50% as soon as you drive it off the lot. Well, I'm done with this bitch post.

As some of you know, I've been wanting to make a Jonny Quest movie trailer for some time now.  I've been going through all the actors on facebook to find the perfect guys to play Dr. Quest and Race Bannon.  I've found a handful of Dr. Quest's but there's only one Race Bannon that I think will do.  If any of you have any suggestions let me know.  I don't want to give out too many details about it but I will tell you this:  Jonathon Hoops is playing Jonny and Shorou Dasgupta is playing Hadji.  Those of you who know these guys know that they're perfect for the roles.  If I get all the actors I'm wanting, it's going to be interesting not working with my regular actors (with the exception of Hoops).  It may be weird for some people to see something of mine without Joe and Tyler.  They're the Bill Murray and Owen Wilson to my Wes Anderson.  I'll have the same crew which I plan on having which always energizes me, hopefully over the years I'll only make additions and not have to make subtractions.  It feels so good to be in the director/writer seat again, producing sucks so hard.

Some events happened a couple of weeks ago that really sucked but were followed by some awesome things.  What came out of the let downs has turned out to make me a happier person in kind of a weird way.  I learned that there are just some people who will not like you no matter what, even if they don't have a good reason, and you just have to move forward.  And as much as it was a let down, I got over it quick.  The thing that helped the most, I think, were two people who's friendships made me feel like it really didn't matter what the other person thought of me. I know that since I'm writing this two weeks later that it's still on my mind, but it's on my mind in a positive way.  I haven't been this happy in a long time.

My endurance is being pushed to it's limits right now.  I'm not sure how much more stress I can take.  The Filmmakers' Guild project is really getting to me now.  I'm having to act as President of the organization as well as be Executive Producer on our project.  Things would be alot easier if people would do their damn jobs and I didn't have to constantly make sure that people are doing what they're supposed to be doing.  Right as I feel like I've got some weight off my shoulders there's someone waiting to throw theirs onto mine.  I've got enough crap to deal with from my classes, a friendship that's been on the rocks for a while now and may cause me to permanently shelve a project that I'm halfway done with, and there are a ton of other things on the homefront that I don't even want to think about right now.  I'm glad that Lypsync is going to be as fun as it's going to be, it's pretty much the only thing building my morale up right now and keeping me from losing my mind.  Unfortunately it's also one of the stresses getting to me, but at least this stress has been bringing a positive feeling.

I hate being on the production side of a film rather then the creative side!!!!!!!!!  I have nothing against those jon our project that are on the creative side, but this producer shit is for the birds.  My confidence in Alaithia as the director is something that helps to keep me from being so stressed out.  We had some major issues early in pre-production, but since sorting those things out it's gotten so much better when it comes to dealing with her role in this project.  I know I'm asking a lot from students who are volunteering to do this, but we've already worked so hard to get this far and I would be shattered if everything were to fall through.  It sucks to fail, but it sucks even more when it's doing something you love.  Well, I've harped on long enough.  No one ever reads these things anymore, so I won't be surprised if no one takes the time to read this.